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Acts of God and Other Lies

February 8th, 2012

by Mark Berryhill

Springfieldartscene.com > Forum > Misc > God Sightings

LivingLife21 writes:

Okay, I started this thread with the idea that we could all share our most interesting experiences of God. Now, I know everyone comes from a different viewpoint, and that we all have different ideas and theories as to who or what God is. We all have our own explanations as to what this stuff all means. I just want everyone to try to be civil. Keep it fairly positive. No flaming, please. 

I’ll start with my own story.

It was a late Saturday morning, and I was enjoying a walk through Nathanial Greene Park. I’m there almost every weekend; the gardens are so pretty in the summer. And it just feels good to see everyone flying kites or barbecuing and having a good time. Now, as I did my rounds, walking out of the tall grass garden, there was a crowd of people gathered around the north side of Drummond lake (a pond really), and you could see standing out in the middle of the water a guy. I mean, He was standing on top of a tree stump or something out in the middle of the pond—he wasn’t walking on the water or anything. Even though he looked just liked like a normal guy I knew exactly who He was, you can always recognize Him.

You know it’s funny, I wasn’t going to join the crowd until I saw Him. But, you know how it is—you just kind of get drawn in. I just started smiling and moseyed on over. It’s that feeling of happiness and befuddlement; I can understand why there are people who spend all their free time seeking Him out.

I didn’t exactly push my way to the shore, but I certainly found myself in the front row. God was there, on His stump, and He had a bow and arrow. I’m not sure how long he had been up there, and it seemed like we watched him forever, but no matter how many arrows he used, He never ran out. It was amazing, and confusing.  I’m not sure what it meant really, God up on a stump in the middle of a little lake, firing arrows at animals and into the water. He was up there for a long time, but He wasn’t hitting anything.  Just shooting and missing. He had such a look of determination and concentration on His face.  Finally though, He pegged a mother duck leading a group of little yellow babies. God got really excited, and did this victory arm pump thing, and fell off the stump into the water.  I’m pretty sure that the water is only a few feet deep, but He went under and never came back up.  After a few minutes the crowd dispersed—no one really talked about what happened, they just eventually started doing what they were doing before.

It wasn’t the first time that I had ever seen god, but it was probably the most profound.  I don’t have a clue as to what He meant by it.  I don’t pretend to know the answers, but I like to make educated guesses.  I like to think of these things as a subtle riddle. Yeah I’m a Christian, not always the best Christian, I try to follow the teachings of Christ, but I hardly ever go to church. I almost feel that now I don’t have to. Maybe that’s wrong, I don’t know. I just feel comforted that He’s really out there.

Siegementality writes:

You  know, reading that almost brings back the way you feel when you first meet him.  I used to do a lot of ecstasy when I was younger, and when people talk about that I almost, but not quite, feel like I’m on it. Like phantom rolling. Good times.

Kingmab writes:

Who says it has to mean anything at all? I just like to enjoy the ride.

xXJobber2425Xx writes: 

My experience changed my life. I see His Glory almost every day in the world around us, even on the days that I don’t actually see Him. We can always feel His divine presence. I want to talk about the first time that I saw him.  Transformers 2 had just let out at the Hollywood cinema, and the Lord stood on the street corner, wreathed in holy fire, preaching to the masses, and then He said that he had returned, and that he was going to make the world a better place, and the people rejoiced, so I got down on my knees and wept, and everyone was screaming hallelujah. I had never been so happy.

KingMAB writes: 

They see me trolling…

xXJobber2425Xx writes: 

What does that mean?

KingMAB writes: 

Oh, really? Never mind, then.

Geedy76 writes:                                                                                             

I am going to apologize in advance because English is not my first language. I go to MSU for art but I am just now learning English. I was riding bus number  five to the mall last week and I saw god sitting there next from me and he was doing the crossword puzzle or Sudoku I think. We had stopping at a bus stop but we did not keep going. Everybody was so happy. He made a bad noise. After awhile we noticed he was going and the bus started again. Everyone got suffer because of the smell. Sorry if my English wasn’t great but I like the stories. I hope mine was okay.

KingMAB writes:             

Oh man, last week, the number five? I think I was there. Small world, huh? I think I can elaborate, because out of all the times I’ve seen him this was the best. Seriously.  So there we were, crowded bus, everybody minding their own business, when we made a stop on Glenstone Avenue but didn’t start again. I was sitting near the front of the bus, and I notice that the driver was just staring at the back of the bus and smiling. I pretty much knew what was going on immediately. I don’t really like how addled you feel when god shows up, but I am curious by nature, so I couldn’t help but look.

There he was, dressed in a red baseball cap and a Hawaiian style shirt, sitting next to an Asian girl I’m assuming is Geedy76. Yeah, now that I think of it he was doing the puzzle out of the newspaper. But, it gets so much better. Most god stories I hear are pretty uneventful. I mean, aside from the part about seeing god. Yeah, god is real, and he shows up everywhere now, but most sightings are so mundane. I dig the bizarre ones. So everyone is just gawking at him in silence, and god is into his crossword puzzle, but you kinda got the feeling that maybe he was just ignoring us. And then he farts. He shifts his rump a little to let it squeak out. And it smells really bad. Not sure what the almighty eats, but it smelled like he had some kind of infection. Sort of like a cross between a compost heap and a cancer ward, but also acidic, like dead hobo’s breath.  Of course we’re all dopey and smiling, nobody has the ability to gag.

God sat there, purposefully ignoring us, obviously embarrassed. You know how sometimes you do something stupid and you just want to disappear? I think he was doing that.  He raised his paper up, and hid behind it until we forgot about him. That only seems to work for god, though. It never works when I try it. Even though everyone went back to normal as soon as he was gone, the smell lingered, and people rushed to open the windows. A kid near the back threw up. It was hilarious. Best god sighting evar.

Geedy76 Writes:

Oh yes, that was me.  So funny.

Siegementality writes:

That’s a little disturbing, actually.

KingMAB writes:                                             

Yeah, now that I think about it, does anyone know of any stories where someone gets hurt because of a god appearance? What if the bus driver had crashed?

Siegementality writes:

And that, too.

Desperatecrusade writes:

I was never particularly religious before or nothing before this stuff started happening, not really. I guess I was a Christian because my parents were and they sent me to Sunday school. But that was just where I got good at coloring. I was never really a doubter until right before everything started happening, I’m probably more of one now, really. I just never thought about religion. Maybe that would change if I had a visitation myself. I feel kind of left out. Does anyone have any advice on finding god? Are there rules or anything? Is it really as random as it seems?

Geedy76 writes:

If you trying to find him you never will.

KingMAB writes:

I think she’s right. I’ve seen god maybe half a dozen times, but never when I actively set out to look for him. But then again I never actively set out to look for him.

Siegementality writes: 

My roommate is a God junky. And I don’t mean xtian fanatic. He goes out of his way every day to find god, and most days he succeeds. He’s never been the kind of guy to lie for no reason, so I’m going to assume that he’s telling the truth. The problem is just that it’s becoming detrimental to his life. He used to sit around all day smoking weed and losing to me in Halo on his time off, but at least he was employed then. It’s all he talks about, now. I miss my old roommate.

xXJobber2425Xx writes:

There is nothing wrong with chasing the glories of God.

Siegementality writes:

The glories of god aren’t going to pay his half of the rent.

LivingLife21 writes:

Okay guys, I can feel a flame war brewing, time to move on.

Siegementality writes: 

I guess it’s my turn. I’ve only ever seen god once and the experience creeped me the fuck out.  This was back when I still thought the whole god thing was bullshit. I hadn’t seen him, nobody I knew had. My roommate was still normal. But, just in case, I had written down a bunch of questions for him. You know the things that everyone thinks about. Why does he let bad things happen to good people, or why did he do all that awful shit in the bible? I had some pretty scathing shit but I won’t go into details because I don’t want to get jobber going. Really though, I was angry. Before I had always thought that being angry at god made no sense; it would be like getting pissed off at Sauron or Darkseid, or any other fictional villain. But being alive and real made it worse. I felt that he should be held accountable for his crimes against humanity.  I’m not so angry now. I’m still not religious, and I’m definitely just spiritual.  I think I’m mostly just numb.

Oh yeah, back to my only contact with god.  I normally avoid the mall, but Charlotte Russe was having a huge clearance sale. I can’t resist cheap clothes. I picked out these really cute jeans that probably wouldn’t fit me but I wanted to try anyhow and made my way to the fitting room. I walked in, hung my selection up on the little hook, undressed and turned around. There was god, inches away from my face. His breath smelled like Sbarro’s. 

He said, “I think this is where I go when I die.”

And we stared at each other.

My mind just went blank. Not the kind of blank like when I found out I was bad at standup comedy. Not when I went on stage, too drunk to remember my jokes about girl gamers, and how we suck compared to men because our vaginas get in the way, that they make it hard to hold our controllers. I was too dumb to say anything. I just had a permagrin on my face like I was coming up on hallucinogens. I couldn’t ask the questions I had wanted to ask. And afterwards I realized that even if I saw him again, I would never get answers.

After what would have normally been an awkward silence god left and he took my pants with him. I had to squeeze into those jeans and wear them out.

Desperatecrusade writes: 

WTF?!

Siegementality writes:

I know, that’s totally fucked up. He stole my pants.

Desperatecrusade writes: 

I mean, WTF you’re a girl?!

KingMAB writes:

In b4 TITS or GTFO

xXJobber2425Xx writes: 

There’s a lesson to be learned here.

KingMAB writes:

That God is really into women’s clothing?

Siegementality writes:

That god is an asshole.

xXJobber2425Xx writes:

I saw him again. Me and my new girlfriend were walking along Sunset street.  There is a creek that runs along the road, and a paved trail that runs across the street. I like to take girls for walks there because it is very romantic. So there we were, having a fun time, when Jesus crossed the path in front of us and we were both stunned. My new girlfriend had never seen God before, and wasn’t a Christian so but both of us fell to our feet and praised Him. We’re going to get engaged soon. After God left we felt the Holy Spirit and she wanted to be a Christian and I baptized her myself in the creek.

Desperatecrusade writes: 

In the creek?  Seriously? I know that area; it’s more like a drainage ditch. You’re going to give that poor girl e coli.

Siegementality writes:

I’m beginning to think that jobber is underage b&.

KingMAB writes:

Or a master troll!  Perfect example of Poe’s law. Well, maybe you’re right.  He’s probably twelve.  Then again besides the constant run-ons he doesn’t write like he’s texting.  Who knows?

KingMAB writes:

I was wondering, what would happen if someone tried to kill god? Not that I would wish him dead, but you know, what if?

Siegementality writes:

I don’t think it would work.  His retardation aura would kick in and then you’d forget what you were trying to do. And he seems to be all over the world, people see him in different places simultaneously. Besides, I think I’ve heard stories where people have accidentally run him over.

Geedy76 writes:

Yes, my cousin said that he got hit with a subway. Very messy.

Siegementality writes:

I can imagine. Sandwiches everywhere.

Geedy76 writes:

What?  That’s not making any sense.

KingMAB writes:

You are so adorable.

Geedy76 writes:

Thanks?

xXJobber2425Xx writes:

You guys are demented! I have no idea why anyone would want to hurt God. I also don’t understand how you can joke about Him. This is The Creator we are talking about. Please show some respect. You all say that as soon as you see Him, you know for a fact that this is our Lord. None of you seem very Christian to me.

Desperatecrusade writes:

I never heard of him endorsing any religions. And I still wonder if there’s some kind of other explanation.  For all we know he could be some kind of alien. I guess I can’t help but doubt.

xXJobber2425Xx writes:

When he reveals Himself to you, then you will understand, and you will bow at His feet, and you will cry to be saved.

LivingLife21 writes:

You know, jobber, I’ve been a Christian all my life, and I didn’t get the urge to genuflect. In fact I don’t think I could have if I had wanted to. 

xXJobber2425Xx writes:

You aren’t a Christian if you want to kill God.

Livinglife writes:

I never said that I wanted to kill God.  This is all just harmless philosophical discussion.  You know, like Thomas Aquinas’s “how many angels can dance on the head of a pin?”

xXJobber2425Xx writes:

Never read his posts.

KinMAB writes:

LOL

Desperatecrusade writes:

Okay guys, it finally happened. My story is kind of gross, maybe a little tmi, but it’s totally true. I just want to include the entire experience. Be grateful that I am warning you in advance.

So I wake up a little while ago, right? I might be a grown man, but I got the bladder of a little girl. I usually have to get up at least two or three times a night to pee, and this time it was really bad. The way my crappy little apartment is set up I have to walk through my kitchen to get to the bathroom. God was in there, rooting through my fridge, dressed in a grayish blue business suit. It looked like he had been working all day because shirt was un-tucked and his tie loosened. 

You guys were totally right. I knew right away it was him (Him?). And you guys were also right about not being able to think straight, or at all. I never really did any drugs except for a bit of drinking. I mean, I smoke the occasional bowl after work. So I don’t have anything other than that to compare it to, and it wasn’t like weed or alcohol at all. I just stood there in my pajamas, grinning and grinning. It was great, euphoric even. I swear to the guy who was in my kitchen that it was the happiest I had ever been. 

He didn’t just root around in my fridge, either. He made himself a dinner using up almost every scrap of food I had—which wasn’t much. He cooked it all up, set out two plates and served a meal for both of us. I couldn’t eat of course, too stupefied, but he didn’t seem to mind. He just said, “suit yourself,” and went on eating.

He finished all the food he cooked, even the plate he set out for me, and then he left.

Now, the funny thing is that I never made it to the bathroom. Well, I just now got out of the shower—but I mean I pissed myself.  After he left I noticed that I was standing in a big puddle of pee. Gross, but you gotta admit it’s funny. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you guys that, but it happened that way. I would feel disingenuous if I had omitted anything.

I don’t know what it means, or if it has to mean anything at all, but it’s very exciting. I don’t know if I’m ready to become a Christian or Jew or Muslim or anything, but wow, I have a lot to think about it. Maybe I’ll find a church. I wonder what the Buddhists think of this. It’s also interesting that even though my brain wasn’t working right, I can remember everything with such clarity.

KingMAB writes:

Congratulations.  I think. 

Siegementality writes:

No, wait; he ate all your food?  What the hell?  That’s not cool.

Geedy76 writes:

How exciting for you!

Desperatecrusade writes:

Geedy, what religion are you? Maybe people in your country have a different perspective?

Geedy76 writes:

No, my father is a Baptist minister. I am so boarding.

KingMAB writes:

You’re not boarding at all.

KingMAB writes:

Anyone else see him at Wal Mart last night?  This might seem a little quotidian compared to the other stories, but he was just shopping for paper towels. 

Siegementality writes: 

Were you there buying a thesaurus?

KingMAB writes:

…yes.

LivingLife21 writes:

I firmly believe that even the most banal experiences of the divine have inconceivable value.

KingMAB writes:

Everyone has a thesaurus besides me.

xXJobber2425Xx writes:

I don’t know what to do.

Yesterday after school right before dinner I was playing MW2 with my older brother who lives all the way in St. Louis and there was this loud crash in the kitchen. My mom was in there cooking dinner and me and my dad both ran in there at the same time and there was a hole in the ceiling and god was laying on the kitchen table and it was all smashed on the ground.  He got up and said, “Chute didn’t open.”  He wasn’t wearing a parachute. He looked up at the hole in the ceiling and said, “Sorry, doesn’t it suck that insurance never covers this sort of thing?” But then he looked down at where he was and said, “Eff me, I’m sorry,“ only he really did say the F-word. It was my mom, she was under the table.  He said, “Hey, I think she’s still breathing.  Maybe. Just. Wow.” And then he left.

He didn’t heal her, he didn’t even call the ambulance, my dad did that.

God killed my mom.  I don’t know what to do.

Siegementality writes:

See?  Asshole.

Geedy76 writes:

Oh no!  Did it happened?

KingMAB writes:

Confirmed.  This really happened.  Front page of the News-Leader.  Poor guy, fifteen years old, I would have guessed a few years younger.

Desperatecrusade writes:

Wow, sorry kiddo.

LivingLife 21writes:

My family and I will pray for you.

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